I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
