its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
