My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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