I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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