I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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