just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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