i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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