accomplished twins. life is a go
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
