note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
