haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
