She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just invented taco cereal.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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