Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
