I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
