If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
