so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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