So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
