I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think a kid would responsible me up
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
