mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
