you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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