No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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