WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
