You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
