he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
