my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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