Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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