I am spending my child support on dildos
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
