I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
