I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
