I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
