The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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