Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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