I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
