i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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