Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
