i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
