i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
