We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
