Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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