We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
