hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
