oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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