i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
