Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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