My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
