I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
