Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
