I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
