I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
