you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
