Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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